GOTCHA!

I enjoy a good distraction. Diversons, end-arounds, guerilla tactics, surprises. There have been some grade A tricks in the past. Take the Trojan Horse; this has to be one of the biggest fuck-you deceptions of all time. The fact that this idea not only got suggested, but actually carried out is astounding.

Greek General (GG): Hey, this seige sure is going slowly, I wish there were a way we could get inside these gigantic walls.

Greek General’s Assistant #1: We could wait out here and starve off the Trojans.

Greek General: Yes, that would keep in line with the standard seige warfare tactics of the day…

Greek General’s Assistant #2 (GGA 2): We should build a huge fucking horse.

Greek General:  (flatly) What?

GGA 2: Yeah, a really big horse with guys inside.

Greek General: My god, thats the greatest idea I’ve ever heard of in my entire life. Way to think outside the allegorical cave!

As ridiculous as a gigantic horse sounds, it worked, resulting in the massacre of the Trojans, who were, without a doubt, the most idiotically curious people of all time. In fact, the phrase “Curiosity killed the cat.” should actually be, “Curiosity killed the Trojans.”

Tonight, on MTV’s genius “reality” dating show “Parental Control” I witnessed one of the greatest deceptions since the Trojan horse. (to those who don’t know, the premise of Parerntal Control is: Mom and Dad hate their kid’s current gf/bf so Ma and Pa interview a bunch of girls/guys, and send their child on 2 dates. Meanwhile, the unliked current bf/gf watches the dates with the parents who loathe them. At the end a life crushing decision is made.)

Tonight’s episode featured a separated couple who hated their son’s buxom nymphomaniac girlfriend. After an exceedingly creepy intrview process during which the beady-eyed, lecherous father ogled and complemented a parade of teenage girls, the son went on his dates. After the first date you could tell this guy was going to dump his girlfriend for the attractive Asian girl who took him on a dune buggy race. Thats right, a dune buggy race.  During the date he repeatedly exclaimed, “Thank you so much mom and dad!” Defeat and desparation were written all over the girlfreind’s face as she watched her boyfriend have the time of his life.

Along rolls elimination.  It’s down to the thick nympho girlfriend and the hot asian. Not surprisingly, the guy says to his girlfriend, “I don’t want to date you anymore.” The girlfriend looks crushed, she could totally see it coming. The hot asian gives a winning smile and a knowing glance.  BUT THEN! The boyfriend stops his recently jilted ex and says, “I don’t want to date you, I want to marry you!” It was unbelievable, about 10 times as surprising as finding an army of Greeks inside a gigantic horse! Clearly, the relieved girl accepts. The parents, who had been berating and arguing constantly with the girlfriend throughout the show are forced to instantaneously accept and love her. Meanwhile, the attractive asian girl has to stand there! She just stands there and watches as a less attractive, openly loathed girl is lavished with love and affection. It was the ultimate reversal of fortunes! I was completely floored.

Anyway, I think that being told you are being broken up with and then instantly being proposed to on MTV’s “Parental Control”  is definitely as sneaky as the trojan horse. Also, watching soldiers pour out of a gigantic horse and slaughter your city is just like thinking you’ve won on “Parental Control”; and then finding out that, not only didn’t you win, but you made the object of your affection love someone else more. I hope that the attractive asian will take some comfort that she wasn’t the first person in history who was horribly deceived, just the first one who rode awesome dune buggys and was then horribly deceived. 

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